I had a wonderful dream last
night that was quite possibly due to the Double Gloucester cheese and crackers that I
ate for
supper. I dreamt that England had finally won the Ashes after 16 years
of Aussie domination and disappointment. It all felt so real, a nail
biting finish down to the last session of the final test at the Oval,
bad light had stopped play and when the umpires came on to the pitch to
remove the bails to end the match, the whole of England were euphoric.
There were people diving fully clothed into the fountains of Trafalgar Square, and
total strangers hugging and kissing each other in the street. The Urn
was finally coming home back to where it belonged; well actually it had
never really left its display cabinet at Lords in the first place, much
to the Aussies disgust. But I just smile when asked and say that the urn
was never meant to be a trophy, it was a gift to the English Captain
Bligh from his then Australian sweetheart and future wife. Miss Morphy
eh what a wag, a lady with a sense of humour, taking the piss out of the
first English loss to the Aussies on home soil in 1882. Bless her heart,
she made an Ashes Urn most probably from an empty scent bottle, burnt a
bail, wrote a poem and even hand stitched a velvet bag to put it in.
Years later after her husbands death she gave the urn to the MCC and
there it has remained mostly ever since, a gift you see, not a trophy.
Whenever the Aussies win the ashes we give them a Taiwan plastic replica
and they are happy as pigs in mud, whilst the real urn stays put.
The
alarm clock goes off; the birds are singing what a wonderful day it is.
I tell the English nurse all
about my wonderful dream, she assures me
that my dream was true England led by captain Vaughan did indeed win the
Ashes, unfortunately that was over a year ago and we are now 4-0 down in
the current series, soon to be 5-0 with the way that the Sydney test is
going. It will be only the second whitewash in ashes history,
unfortunately that was also in favour of the Australians. I awoke that
morning the dream still fresh in my mind, I was ecstatic. That was then,
this is now (loud sighs followed by screams of anguish and slashing of
wrists).
People keep on telling me don’t worry it’s only a game and besides that
you have lived in Australia for over 15 years so you really should be
supporting your adopted country, my reply to that is unrepeatable! Some
English immigrants do though, they actually support Australia in the
cricket what on earth are they thinking? Would any Aussies living in
Earls Court support England? I think not. Don’t get the wrong idea, I
love this country and have even sworn allegiance to the Australian Queen
and have Australian citizenship, but support them in the cricket,! I would be like one of those little kids in England who live
in a crap town with a Third division football team that you see wondering
around the street wearing Manchester United shirts. The Ashes rivalry is such that
to switch sides would be like committing a cardinal sin, high treason if
you like.
The
first test match that I attended with my Dad was the 1977 ashes test at Trent Bridge
in Nottingham.
Memorable because Ian Botham made his debut, Boycott ran
out the local hero Derek Randall, and the Queen dropped in for a visit
during her jubilee celebrations and of course England won.
The English
nurse’s first ashes memories when aged 7 also concern her home town of
Nottingham and Trent Bridge. Just before the 1972 test she was in
hospital recovering from a road traffic accident and if that wasn’t
enough to contend with she was further traumatised by a visit to her
ward by the Australian cricket team. All that she can remember is that a tall
skinny bloke with a mullet and dodgy moustache sat on her bed
holding her hand, whilst telling her to be brave. Hospital security has
never been a strong point at the Royal in Nottingham.
I was flicking
through a cricket book the other evening and I shown the English nurse a
picture of the Australian 1972 touring party. She was relieved and now thinks that it was
Dennis Lillee who sat on her bed all those 24 years ago and not some
weirdo off the street.
The
2006 Ashes series was always going to be huge, Australia so keen to
avenge their defeat last year even tried to limit the amount of tickets
available to the English supporters. So upset were the Australians that they even
banned the Barmy Army trumpeter from the Brisbane test and the Adelaide
test. Bad luck cobber because the underhand tactics of the Australian
Cricket Board did not stop the English nurse and I along with thousands
of the Barmy Army from getting tickets. We signed up and joined the
Australian Cricket family, crossed our fingers when we said that Ricky
Ponting was our favourite player and a few weeks later, our tickets for
the first 3 days play of the Adelaide test arrived
in the post.
Getting tickets was one thing, finding accommodation would prove even
more difficult. Months before the series began all the
hotels in Adelaide were saying that they were fully booked out. Either
that or they were all waiting to see what prices they could get away
with as the test also clashed with a Robbie Williams concert. Sure enough
the week of the Adelaide test, hotels were changing nearly four times
their usual rate, rip off or what?
Such was the demand for accommodation
that people had little choice but to cough up. English backpackers had
no such problems for they were quite happy as usual to sleep on the
floor of distant relative’s homes, drink their beer and eat their food
(only joking). So it was then that the English nurse and I found
ourselves staying in a cabin on a caravan park. A campsite in the city,
how unique is that? It was very nice, right by the River a pub at the
end of the road and within walking distance of the ground.
So it was
then that come the day of the Adelaide test the campsite was alive with
the colours of green and gold, dare I wear my Barmy Army shirt? Of course
I could! Our walk to the ground took us through parklands past the zoo
and along the River Torrens; it was only a ten minute walk.
A lovely way
to travel to go to a test match don’t you think?
The
Adelaide Oval must surely be the most beautiful ground in the world. The
large mechanical scoreboard from a bygone era still sits proudly on the
grassy hill and contrasts perfectly against the vivid blue sky and the
colours of the Barmy Army and Australian fans. There is hardly a blade
of grass left to be seen out on the hill as territory is staked, banners
and flags wave, let battle commence. Nothing quite beats the
anticipation of the first day of an ashes test, the hairs on the back of
my neck stand on end as I take it all in. My mind wonders back to
Adelaide test matches from a bygone era, England are one nil down in the
series, oh how we could do with Captain Jardine instructing his foot
soldiers, Larwood and Voce to bowl Bodyline. Those Aussies, they don’t
like it up them!
It is such a fantastic place to watch test cricket, quite unlike the Sydney
ground that has been largely spoilt by ugly grey concrete stands, why
even the famous Hill has been dug up. To make matters worse
Nazi type security staff, during the lunch and tea intervals stand
motionless, arms folded glaring. "C’mon jump the fence and I’ll rip your
bloody arms off!"
A
huge cheer from the Barmy Army, Flintoff has won the toss and decides to
bat first, this is good news for England as they try to square the
series after losing the first test in Brisbane. The cheers and whistles
continue from the direction of the hill as Johnny Haysman a local and
rather eccentric tall Aboriginal character minces up and down in front
of the Barmy Army. Johnny when not at the cricket can usually be seen
most days walking up and down Rundle Street. He is living proof that you
don’t have to be a fishmonger to wear white gum boots; however I have
never seen a fishmonger who also wears white fishnet stockings singlet
and tight shorts. Maybe I have just led a sheltered lifestyle? The
appearances of Johnny help brighten up the morning for the cricket is
slow going. England crawl to lunch with the score at 52/2 off 28
overs, where’s Chris Tavare when you need to push the score along eh?
Long
before my time, Cricket used to be a gentleman’s game and paying
spectators would sit in hushed tones and reward a good shot or a fine
piece of bowling with polite applause. How times have changed, the
non-stop singing from the Barmy Army and fans attired in fancy dress
certainly add colour to and atmosphere to the occasion. During the lunch break
whilst waiting patiently to be served a beer, I spot a well spoken
English bloke on his mobile phone, nothing unusual in that except he is
attired in a summer frock, high heels, matching handbag, earrings and
hat. He wouldn’t look out of place in the winner’s enclosure at Royal
Ascot. My attention wanders to a group of three lads attired in matching
maroon trousers and ginger balding wigs. Andy’s on Tour their T shirts
announce dressed of course as their favourite “Little Britain”
character. There is no sign of Lou so each Andy takes turn to push the
wheelchair. I watch as they make their way along the concourse until
they have trouble with the stairs so in true Andy style one of them gets
out of the wheelchair and walks.
In
the session after lunch the English batsman are more purposeful and
Australia fail to take a wicket, England reaching tea at 144/2, Bell and
Collingwood both making a half century each, this is more like it, time
for another beer. Such a shame that although we are watching a test
match in South Australia the only beer available is from Queensland…
XXXX $@#!!
The beer and a good partnership between Pietersen and
Collingwood makes the final session go quick. England are in a good
position and are finally showing signs of their 2005 Ashes winning
form. Pietersen finishes the day on 60, Collingwood on 98 the
scoreboard reads 266/3 at the end of the first days play. Collingwood
will surely have a sleepless night, requiring only two more runs
tomorrow for his well earned century. The Barmy Army are happy as they
make their way from the ground and the short march to their Adelaide
headquarters, the Cathedral hotel. Its big business this Barmy army lark,
clothing and merchandise, a magazine, organised tours, official songs. 
It’s
a small world because on the second day the English nurse and I find
ourselves sitting next to a bloke from Nottinghamshire who just happens
to be best friends with one of the English nurses old school teachers,
not only that but he also used to play cricket against her Dad’s village team. Out on the
pitch the English batsman carry on from where they left off yesterday,
the Barmy Army are soon cheering as Collingwood completes his century.
The sun is shining, the beer and runs are flowing, The Aussie bowlers
are struggling, Collingwood completes his double century, Pietersen
makes 150 runs and Freddie Flintoff mindful of the need to square the
series declares late on in the day with England well set (so we thought)
at 551 for 6, and enough time to have a go at the Aussie batsman who
have been in the field all day. Langer must have been tired because he
soon went and at the close of play Australia were 28 for 1, all in all a
good day for England and the Barmy Army could retire happily to the
Cathedral Hotel once again for a few more beers.
Sunday morning the third day and unfortunately our last as we couldn’t
get tickets for the fourth and fifth day. Little did we know then just
how fortunate that would be?
It must have been a pretty big Saturday
night; the hill is hung over, the Barmy Army struggle to muster a
song. Just as well for England then that Hoggard is bright and chirpy as
he soon has the wickets of Hayden and Martyn. Everything looks rosy
Australia are 65 for 3, England for once are on top, the Barmy Army
start to sing, time for a beer.
Then it happens the pivotal moment of
the summer, Ponting with only 35 runs on the board tries to pull Hoggard
to the boundary. Now Ashley Giles has been called many things in his
career, "The King of Spain, a human wheelie bin",
but I can think of a few more! He has just
dropped Ponting and most probably the Ashes. For if ever there was a
chance going begging to get out cheaply the in form Australian captain
that was it. England would pay dearly for that dropped catch and sure
enough Ponting took full advantage, he goes on to make 142. At stumps on
day 3 Australia are 312 for 5 and for the English nurse and I it was
time to say goodbye to the Adelaide Oval and one last beer or two in the
Cathedral Hotel. Next day Australia took their score to 513 all out,
Hoggard taking 7 for 109, England had a slender first innings advantage of
38 runs. But in their second dig were soon 31 for 1 at close of play.
So
here we are the 5th day of the test, only two possible outcomes a draw
or an unlikely Aussie win. Shane Warne had other ideas and the unlikely
win became more likely during the mornings play. The English nurse had
hospital appointments all day so I spent my time listening nervously to
the 5th day on the car radio, It seemed that whenever I pulled up at a
set of traffic lights a cheer erupted from the car next to me, as
England wickets continued to tumble. The inevitable happened, England
were bowled out for 129, and Australia went on to win the game and more
importantly go two up in the series. England fans have been down this
road of disappointment so many times before, the England batsmen were
once again totally bamboozled by Shane Warne, something that after 2005
I thought would never happen again, how wrong I was, thank God that he
is retiring.
The Barmy Army are still laughing and singing, if this was the English
Football team there would be a riot!
No team in test cricket history has
declared with a higher score than England’s first innings total and gone
on to lose the match. England now have that unenviable record.
That
was then this is now, England have just lost the Sydney test and the
series 5-0. I should know better and turn the TV off, but I watch on as
the Aussies are presented with the urn and the crowd farewell Langer,
Warne and McGrath from test cricket. Even after a 5-0 whitewash I am not
too downbeat
as I put the kettle on. I'm so happy to see that the
Aussies are ecstatic with their plastic replica of the urn (I told you
that they would be) but more importantly Shane Warne has finally
retired.
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